Thinking about the conversation I had with a friend last night.
She was right.

Today, I'm going to be happy. I'm going to forget everything that's bad, the bad things that are making me sad all the time, making me worried and making me all fucked up

Today, I'm not going to care about anything else but me. I'm not going to let myself be sad and think about stupid things like love and liking someone. Cause it's not even important.

And to HELL with my jealousy. I'm going to put that aside - cause I got a life to live. Not to pour down the drain.....

And why?.....well odd thing, yesterday I almost got crashed by a car. and just so you know. they didn't even honk or whatever, it just passed infront of me by INCHES. literally. I could've touched the motherfucker.

LOL, thinking about it. I am very lucky.......And truthfully. I had no idea why I just stopped walking.
I'm sure it wasn't the  dude that was screaming out HEY STOP! STOP!
Cause I for one....was numbed out...and I don't know why. but hell, when that car passed me I literally braked on my tippy toes....

And hahaha being weird as I am, all I said was "phew!" and...I wasn't even like HOLY SHIT I COULD'VE DIED. nope none of that....I really couldn't care less.

and here I wonder if there is a GOD....mmm....idk what to believe.

anyways. Today I will let the bad things go. I will not let my emotions bother me. Cause in reality, the one person I should be caring about more than anything? is me?....when I say this...so doesn't feel right...

cause I believe...I'm living for someone else....like...well hell, I am incomplete without the other person next to me but the surprise of this is....who is the other me?

cause seriously. I'm tired of waiting....and I don't know where to look. Everywhere I look. It's not the place to be. And I gotta say....It hurts, it hurts alot.

I know I won't be alone....but it's how I really feel. Alone and not needed. But I swear, it's never bothered me this much as before I mean....okay, I'm just sick of me liking these people who don't feel the same way

and I HATE how i act. it's ridiculous!!! I mean CMON!

anyways, one thing I learnt....long ago.....well now, I'm going to say it.
You'd prefer me JUST a friend.....cause the closeness isn't me.

Me being a close friend is really bad, I gotta admit....I'm just too overwhelming for myself and others.
Maybe my friend is right...I can't tell the feeling of closeness and liking apart.
casue I've been doing this since I was a kid for so long.....I'm already fcked up.

Ah, life. good old life
and this is where I think - where I'll end up.
Material happy...Where I'll just continue consuming...
But one thing I do like to do is just give loads of money to charity in the city.
Cause out of everything. It's the only good thing I've done in my god forsaken life.

Everything else I'm just shit at.

Friend

Family

Lover

Horrible.