Thinking about the conversation I had with a friend last night.
She was right.

Today, I'm going to be happy. I'm going to forget everything that's bad, the bad things that are making me sad all the time, making me worried and making me all fucked up

Today, I'm not going to care about anything else but me. I'm not going to let myself be sad and think about stupid things like love and liking someone. Cause it's not even important.

And to HELL with my jealousy. I'm going to put that aside - cause I got a life to live. Not to pour down the drain.....

And why?.....well odd thing, yesterday I almost got crashed by a car. and just so you know. they didn't even honk or whatever, it just passed infront of me by INCHES. literally. I could've touched the motherfucker.

LOL, thinking about it. I am very lucky.......And truthfully. I had no idea why I just stopped walking.
I'm sure it wasn't the  dude that was screaming out HEY STOP! STOP!
Cause I for one....was numbed out...and I don't know why. but hell, when that car passed me I literally braked on my tippy toes....

And hahaha being weird as I am, all I said was "phew!" and...I wasn't even like HOLY SHIT I COULD'VE DIED. nope none of that....I really couldn't care less.

and here I wonder if there is a GOD....mmm....idk what to believe.

anyways. Today I will let the bad things go. I will not let my emotions bother me. Cause in reality, the one person I should be caring about more than anything? is me?....when I say this...so doesn't feel right...

cause I believe...I'm living for someone else....like...well hell, I am incomplete without the other person next to me but the surprise of this is....who is the other me?

cause seriously. I'm tired of waiting....and I don't know where to look. Everywhere I look. It's not the place to be. And I gotta say....It hurts, it hurts alot.

I know I won't be alone....but it's how I really feel. Alone and not needed. But I swear, it's never bothered me this much as before I mean....okay, I'm just sick of me liking these people who don't feel the same way

and I HATE how i act. it's ridiculous!!! I mean CMON!

anyways, one thing I learnt....long ago.....well now, I'm going to say it.
You'd prefer me JUST a friend.....cause the closeness isn't me.

Me being a close friend is really bad, I gotta admit....I'm just too overwhelming for myself and others.
Maybe my friend is right...I can't tell the feeling of closeness and liking apart.
casue I've been doing this since I was a kid for so long.....I'm already fcked up.

Ah, life. good old life
and this is where I think - where I'll end up.
Material happy...Where I'll just continue consuming...
But one thing I do like to do is just give loads of money to charity in the city.
Cause out of everything. It's the only good thing I've done in my god forsaken life.

Everything else I'm just shit at.

Friend

Family

Lover

Horrible.

my Mind - NOT.

I have many fears believe it or not.

I have fears of my future; Am I going to make to that "future" present?
I have fears for my family.
I have fears of being alone.
I have fears for my friends.
I have many fears.

Most of all is that I fear I won't be able to hold @#$%^&*(
and it makes me sad

cause I want to believe that I can. And I will cause that's how much they're worth.
I don't say @#$%^&*() ^&*(*&^%


Okay,
I just realised there's a camera in my lab's class..HHAHAHAHA. funny.
I don't know what to say. my problems aren't so bad.
my little bro's in hospital - I'm not so worried cause he's a tough little boy. haha. But I'mma visit him today after uni.
My mum and her fiance fight everyday. I can hear it everyday.
Uni is getting hard ..yesterday I missed out the most important lecture for programming because of my dad.
my dad shop has no workers. well, they quit and he hasn't done time.
I freaking hate working there. But I really hate how its "MY" obligation to do it as a daughter and I don't want to be an ass to him because of the situation atm with my lil bro.
And my mum says all this shiet about money and I'm like WHO CARES ABOUT MONEY.
She's like 'if you dont see your dad - he'll give all his money to that "woman" and etc. and all that jizz...
Overall about this thing - my relationship w/ my dad is just money or soemthing.
FOR ONCE. WHY DOESNT HE CALL TO see how i am? but NOOO "can you work today etc"
NO, THANK YOU. @#$%^&*(*$#@
 they told me we're older than we were before and so he doesn't know how you communicate - but screw that man! SERIOUSLY. 
he has YEARS to communicate. and he didn't try.

oh and also - now, I understand WHY my granny is angry at my ong ngoai.
HOW THE FCK DID HE AFFORD A WIFE AND CHILD?

my problems aren't bad. I just wanna rant.
The end.

Welcome to Vietnamese Society; where there are NO secrets.

So today,
I had to skip uni and go to work for my dad cause of my little brother's incident.
I wasn't particularly happy that I had to skip uni so I was generally pissed and plus I hated my dad's shop.

Anyways it all changed when an email came!!
IT SAID THE QUIZ WAS NEXT WEEEK - FUCK YEAH. HAHAHAAH.
Felt so good. so work wasn't that bad. Lol, I havent been paid (I shouldn't expect it - cause I'm helping out but far out it's hell)

okay back to something else (I'm REALLY TIRED) I KNOW I SHOULD SLEEP BUT SHUT UP.

so like like,
this lady I know cornered me and asked me if I was going out with someone?
and I was like no? (oh god)
and like like, this lady was like yeah right!
and asked if it was some guy (my friend)
and I was said no.

Very funny. God, vietnamese people just come up with such random assumptions and stick to it.
OR THEY JUST SPREAD SHIT. which is also true!

I don't know how they get their resources - they don't know anything about me at all - only my family.
and when you're viet - you're not judged on your individuality. You're judged on your parents.

So if you're rude - They blame the parents. Thus the "family reputation" is shamed etc.
So when I'm in public I have to act good - or else I'll shame my mum/dad. <- which is stupid I must say. Cause my parents raised me up very well (very well that I'm crazy to the real world AHHA)

And WARNING: NEVER EVER TELL THE TRUTH with the vietnamese people - they spread it around like a bloody tornado through L.A. or something !

And make sure if you're going out with someone - GO TO A NON-VIET/AZN populated - cause it's a 100% chance that you'll be caught by some dude/chick who knows your mum/dad and will tell people and BAM! YOUR HEAD ON THE CHOPPING BOARD AT HOME.

LOL.
seriously though.

Okay and that's it.
:D